Dying Distance
Dying Distance
Tremble, says my body to me
For pains of deprivation need
But one sole thing to stem their anxious tide
Instead they run.
They course through nervous systems,
Producing nervous tendencies,
and flow through coursing spines
Only to die.
Not to be fulfilled, their purpose is to tell
Only of what they have not found,
For in the absence of my deepest love,
I find that they abound.
These shudders, from the coffin of my love
Buried by time, and distance parted,
Shake the very earth that is its prison,
Against my love my sanity is slowly martyred
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Hi Ben,
A very meaningful piece indeed. I do have some comments that may help tighten things up:
you have been redundant in your vocabulary in a couple of places which I think detracts from the power of the line.
stanza #1: one sole (like saying one one)
“but one thing” is perfectly fine and makes the line read better
stanza #2: do you like to repeat “nervous”? Would using the word “anxious” in the second line work better?
“flow through coursing spines” is redundant –
why not just flow through ? if you use “coursing through” it deadens the stanza since you used it in the first line as well
Cheers!
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:27 pm
very powerful piece indeed, Heather seems to have summed up any criticism I might have had, but regardless the piece is most excellent, well done, once again sir.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Very powerful piece Benjamin. “These shudders, from the coffin of my love” is my favourite line.